Life is hard. Sometimes it just plain downright f*cking sucks.

My life is going rather well right now. Still behind on a couple bills but they will take care of themselves in the next month or so as I pay them off.

I have a friend who I am trying to help through a rough time and it is killing us both emotionally. Him way more than me but I am struggling with it.

I am so emotionally drained right now. I love this guy very much but I honestly don't know how much more I can handle or do for him. I want to make everything better but truth be told - I can't. I didn't create this mess, I can't fix it.

I won't say what kind of mess or go into details about it. His business, not mine to share. I just needed to vent a bit.

Hopefully tonight I am sleeping in my bed instead of on my new couch.

I AM FREE

My divorce became final at 9AM this morning. I confronted my now ex on the girlfriend he has had since last summer (I found a picture of them when they had gone hiking when I was home recuperating from my surgery). No big deal to me as I had already given up on the marriage by then. I was just biding my time until I could leave (and making sure I had the surgery when I had the insurance). Once I gave him the picture he refused to look at me or talk to me. Chicken shit.

My landlord has a different 2 bedroom apt that is on the first floor and is super close to work that I am looking at in the morning. I am really hoping I like it as I would love to be able to walk to work on nice days. Exercise!

My daughter was a total wench this morning. I refused to sit around and wait for her to get her butt in gear so I left for work without her. Let her walk. We live 7/10's of a mile from her school so it isn't a big deal. Just slushy and messy walking. Tomorrow - she is walking again. And she will be told to get herself up and ready. If she is ready to leave when I am I will bring her to school. Otherwise - have a nice walk.

I am tired of people walking all over me and expecting me to just suck up and take it. I am not going to do that anymore. I don't care who you are. Not going to do it. My best friend from high school calls me when she has a TV problem. This time the TV I "Sold" her (that has yet to be paid for - 5 yrs later) is dying. She now wants me to get her a TV from Work (we get things at cost here) and not tell the boss it is for her. NOPE. Sorry. Won't do it. I gave her two TV's (not paid for) that I had to pay for when I got them (used but still) and I refuse to help her out that way again.

Had car problems Tuesday during the snow storm. Had my dad put a new starter in the car so it will run again. Next Tuesday he is putting in a new wheel bearing in the driver side rear. After that and the cost of the movers I am hiring (I refuse to move the big furniture from the third floor again) I am saving as much as I can as quickly as I can to get a new(er) car. It is time. I have had my baby for almost 7 yrs now and she is starting to show her age. The repairs are starting to outweigh the cost of replacing her. I will miss my car.

Work is good. Busy most days, quite others. Lets me get caught up on paperwork I put off when it is busy.

Other than that, not much is going on in my little part of the world.

This is the year to get things done

I have decided after much thinking and pondering that this year - 2010 - will be my year to get things done.

That means that:

1. Bills will be paid off and not reaccumulated

2. Weight loss will recommence

3. Money will be saved

4. New(er) car will be purchased

5. Nice vacation will be taken

#1 - I have already started. I used a good portion of my income tax refund to pay off a bunch of smaller bills and start on the medical bills. Those will be paid in full by fall and I will be done with all past due bills. My student loan (which I manage to get deferred) will be paid on as the other bills are paid off. Going to do the rolling debt paydown method. Basically - when you pay off a bill that amount now goes towards the student loan with the regular monthly payment that I will be making even though it is is deferment.

#2 - Since I have been pretty sick these past 2 weeks I haven't had much of an appetite so the weight has started coming off. I have gotten rid of a ton of junk food in my house and replaced it with healthier food. Next step when the cold finally goes away enough so I can breathe normally again is to start walking. Alot

#3 & #4 - $1000.00 is being transferred into savings today. My car doesn't need the huge repair that we thought it did so the money I had put aside from tax refund will now go into savings towards a new(er) car. Now that the bills are pretty much all caught up and most are paid ahead and paid off and child support has all reverted to arrears for Donny and Chelsea that is an extra 580.00 per month that goes into savings.

#5 - My vacation to Idaho (and maybe Missouri to see Kerry). I am planning on going the beginning of August but may have to put it off for awhile if I don't have a new(er) car by then. I don't want to push Maxi (my maxima) and end up stuck somewhere between NH and Idaho with no one I trust to fix my car. I will get there.

I am determined. And when I am determined I don't let anything get in my way. Ever.

I retitled and registered the car today. Jimsgrl is GONE and OK - KID is now here. Cost me $195.33 which sucked but at least it is done and I don't have to worry about doing it again until either November or when I get a new(er) car.

I only owe $205.00 on my new couch (including the 10.00 delivery fee) and that will be paid off hopefully next week or the week after. I think I did pretty good with that. It was $1034.95 on sale. I paid $309.95 cash. Panasonic and Sony paid the rest from the Spiff money I earned. I can't complain. It is a great couch and will last me for years now that the three oldest kids are on their own and KK is 12 and hopefully old enough to know better than to do silly things (like paint) on it.

I feel good about things right now. I see my life going in the direction I want it to go in. Finally. It is sad that James did not want to go in the same direction with me but I am happy now. Satisfied with my life and my decisions.

It is time for me to live the way I want to. To do things for ME. To plan for MY future.

A few things got me thinking today

The first big news story (which to me wasn't really news) was that out of the MILLIONS of dollars the hardworking people of the US are donating to Haiti - they will only see 1 - ONE - penny of each dollar for actual aid. No wonder that place is in such a world of hurt. Whenever someone tries to help them either corruption (ie - their own countrymen or outsiders) are stealing what was donated to them in the first place.

This is why I didn't donate anything.

I did a lot of thinking at work today. About bills, money in general and a few other things. I have goals I want to meet. I have yet to really think about how to obtain them. A few I know what I have to do I just have to get started on them. Others will require more thought and planning. Some sacrifices, some changes in daily living, etc. Most will be easy to accomplish. Others will be a bit more tough for me.

I do think I can reach the goals I have in mind. It is just a matter of me deciding to do it and stick to them.

The President is talking to the nation tonight. I am not watching. I don't have the energy and I am not a big TV person. I know - I sell them, I know them inside and out and I have them in my home.

Right now - the TV is on but so is the humidifier. And the humidifier is on high so I can't hear the thing anyway. Can't or won't turn it up as KK is in bed and I don't want to wake her up so I am sitting here typing away before bed with the TV on low and the fan on the humid on high.

Real exciting life I lead. lol

I looked at my face today in the mirror (shocker I know! Like it is the first time I have ever done so right?). I saw the beginning of some wrinkles and lines. I have earned them and am surprised I have not seen them before now.

So I ran to Mallwart and bought some OLAY Regenerist stuff. A daily moisturizer (at 19.00 a bottle yo!) and some night cream stuff that smells absolutely horrid (at 10.00 a bottle!).

This shit had better deliver on the promises the boxes made. For that price it should clean my bathroom and sweep the kitchen for me also.

As I sit here smelling this horrid stuff I am wondering why we women spend so much money to look "good". I mean - really - who do we want to look good for? Ourselves? HAHAHAHA - noooo, do we want to look good for our significant others? Once in awhile. Ok - maybe more than once in awhile but still. You want to know who I really think we want to look good for? Other women.

Yup. Other women. Wanna know why? Because we are our own worst critic/enemies. We profess to love each other no matter what (till one of us gets a bug up our ass about something. Then watch the fireworks! They will last for years!!) but we still judge each other on our looks, clothes etc.

Most anyway. I have a few and by a few I mean I can count them on one hand, good friends who honestly don't give a shit what I wear and if I put makeup on or not every day. They just like ME. And I love them for that.

So I dress up for them when I see them! LMAO.

I love them for who they are and could give a rats ass if they are wearing a potato sack or dressed to the nines. I am happiest when we are just hanging out and being bums together, lamenting the cleaning that needs to be done but won't be today, the things our kids do or have done, the things spouses/partners do/did, etc. Just being friends.

Remember how when we were small and when we were with our friends all we cared about was being together and just laying in the grass all dirt smeared from running and playing jump rope and tag then just staring up at the clouds trying to see shapes etc?

Those are the kinds of friends I want today. Friends who will just stare at the clouds with me and find shapes of animals, buildings, faces in them. Talk about everything and nothing. Friends who don't judge, just accept.

Isn't that what we all want really? And for some people we find it right away. For others they search for a lifetime and never find that. I find that sad. Sometimes they don't find as they have their expectations set too high. Others just turn to the wrong people time and again, never learning from previous relationships. I feel for them but at the same time I want to slap them upside the head and ask what the hell is wrong with them?

But I firmly believe that people come into our lives for a reason and when that reason is fulfilled sometimes it is time for them to leave. It isn't always easy or right but that is life and that is how it goes. We can either chose to accept it, learn from that person(people) and move on or stay stuck in the woe is me mentality.

I chose to move on and learn and grow. I thank them, each one, for the things they have taught me, even the ones I no longer like or care to even think about anymore. They all taught me something about myself. I appreciate that.

There are more thoughts floating around in this head of mine but right now it is almost 10:30pm and I am exhausted. More later.

It;s Tuesday

I did my usual running around. Cleaned B's house, played with the animals, did laundry, splurged and bought Chinese for late lunch, bought a sexy nighty and regular jammies (on clearance at Fashion Bug) and now it is 3pm and I have cancelled my date for this afternoon, have changed into my nice comfy new jammies (the non sexy kind) and am going to sit down and read until I need to go get KK from my mom's.

I feel like I should have kept the date but I honestly don't know if I am ready. So I cancelled it. Yes, the kids played into it a bit but I also rearranged my livingroom and am just vegging out and enjoying the openness (especially once Chel gets her futon out of my kitchen) of the place.

Finally earned enough to get another free 25.00 Game Stop gift card today! Yay.

I shopped at a consignment store today also. Picked up a nice new silky plum colored comforter for my bed for 10.00, and 2 sweaters. All for 21.00. Love thrift/consignment stores!

Just not feeling it

I guess I was more damaged than I thought when I came here from Multiply.

I miss blogging. A lot. But I am just not feeling it the way I used to.

I should blog for me and only me. But I can't find where you can make your blogs private or accessible to only a certain few so I have been keeping pretty quiet.

News I can share.

James found a new girlfriend. According to my daughter she is about my height, my weight, has my hair coloring, my color eyes, etc. Only big difference (other than the fact that she digs him and I don't) is that she smokes.

Kendall is not pleased. Says James isn't the same person anymore. And she feels that the GF is hiding something but she doesn't know what.

Finally got my Sony Spiff money so now I can go pay on my couch. My Panasonic Spiff money should be here in about a week so that will also go on my couch. Then I only owe about $300 more and it is MINE!

I am getting child support this week (after not getting it for 2 weeks) so that will help. And income tax is due in my account this coming Friday so I can then start my new car fund and pay off some older medical bills (for tax deductions this year).

After a rather rough start to this year it seems things are looking up a bit. I am optimistic and hopeful that they continue this trend.

With hard work on my part I think they will.

Another Tuesday

So last night James sends KK a message asking her if she would like to meet someone. He, apparently, has finally listened to me (only took him 5+yrs) and went and got himself a girlfriend. Good for him. So long as he is happy that is all that matters.

What pisses me off is the fact that my family knew and lied to me about it. I really don't care if he has a new woman, or man, or monkey in his life. So why lie to me? And my mother is the one who is constantly harping about how she HATES liars etc. SMDH - I swear I will never understand that woman.

I was supposed to meet up with a friend this morning but decided to cancel. Instead I met my cousin at my dad's garage so he could look at her jeep and we took off for the day. She got to experience first hand what one of my "days OFF" is like.

We left Westmoreland, ran to the bank to deposit my check, went and put the wet clothes from the washer into the dryer at the laundromat, went to Price Chopper to do some shopping (scored big time there - more in a minute about that), went back and got the clothes, dropped off clothes and groceries at house and put the food away, headed back out to go to lunch, stopped at a thrift store, found a cute baby blanket for one of the impending grandchildren to be, stopped at another consignment store near the chinese restaurant and found some clothes I need to go back and get, and then went to lunch. We both had what is called a Bento box. A bento box has multiply food items in it. They give you your choice of soup (we had wonton), 2 sides (we chose crab rangoons, chicken fingers, and chicken wings), rice, 6 california rolls, and your main dish (we chose sweet and sour chicken). We also had tea and water and she had Gingerale. All for 10.00 per person. Can't beat that!

Now before I move on, I did a bit more of a shopping trip than I had planned. But in my defense, Price chopper had some kick ass specials. Tons of veggies on sale, some fruit, and a mega meat sale. I didn't buy a lot of meat just a family pack of boneless, skinless chicken breast, a family pack of various cuts of pork (chops, ribs, etc), pork eye roasts (BOGO free), the ham (BOGO free), and a package of cracked pepper turkey meat (never go shopping on an empty stomach - seriously). With the milk, Gatorade and other items it came to $131.04. I paid $95.17. Could have done much better had I gone through my coopins before going but not bad overall. And KK and I now have enough meat to get us through the next few weeks if not more and enough veggies/fruit to get us through at least a week. Eating healthy is expensive man!

After lunch we drove back up to my dad's to check on Sharon's Jeep and played with Panda Mae (my dad's teeny, tiny, little rat terrier puppy). We finally separated ways and I went and completed three errands I have been putting off, got KK from school, and we came home.

I was exhausted. I could have laid down and slept until tomorrow. KK? Did homework and took a good 2 hour nap. She would still be sleeping if I hadn't woken her up to eat dinner. We snuggled, I said screw the housekeeping for yet another day and here I am.

And here I go. Time to call B and then it is time for bed.